Write what you know so that you know what you’re writing about. The first lesson any writer learns.

Every day people come up with ideas for scripts, be they film or television. Most will never see the light of day. One’s chances of getting a script made grow exponentially depending on one’s height of celebrity. This does not always mean that those scripts should get made. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. (Hello paging Kevin Smith, Gigli? Really?)

Today I was told about a particular script idea that was of great interest to me. Unfortunately, it will suck. Why? Well, number one, it’s a Hallmark TV movie of the week – enough said. And number two, the author of that script, Peter Facinelli, has no idea about his subject matter. Now don’t get me wrong, I like the guy as an actor. He’s brilliant on “Nurse Jackie” and as much as I hate to admit it, I liked him in “Twilight.” I am not admitting to liking Twilight, just Mr. Facinelli in it.

What’s his script about? His wife, Jennie Garth, revealed the script is about “an actor inside the Barney suit – a giant stuffed animated kids character” who ends up meeting a woman who “changes his perspective on things.”

“An actor inside a Barney suit.” The exact topic of the book that I’ve been working on for six years, and that I finally finished last year. I, in true Hollywood fashion, also have a TV script as well as a movie script about the subject. The difference is I know what I’m talking about.

I worked as an entertainer at children’s birthday parties in Los Angeles for five-and-a-half years, and during that time I documented my sometimes-frightening, often-hilarious experiences. I performed for everyone from the Hollywood rich and famous, including Steven Spielberg and Cindy Crawford, to families in such poor neighborhoods that everyone on the block had to pitch in just so Barney could make an appearance at their party. A few other interesting tidbits from my book:

I played peek-a-boo with Robert DeNiro.

I was held up at gunpoint while dressed up as Winnie the Pooh.

I had sex (as defined by most people except Bill Clinton) with a Hollywood producer while being paid to be Santa Claus at her Christmas party. Ho, Ho, Ho!

I overheard a potential plot to kidnap Steven Spielberg’s kids.

I knew someone who ran a kids party business out of the same office as a gay porn production company.

I was faced with the question of whether certain performers were pedophiles.

I witnessed a businesses go under because the “Barney” people sued them for copywrite infringement (Look out Peter!)

…and a ton of other priceless adventures all taken from my first hand experiences

It makes me sad to see another movie being made about a topic (Death to Smoochie was unwatchable, even with Robin Williams and Ed Norton) by people who are clueless on the subject. I hope that Peter Facinelli’s masterpiece doesn’t sour your palettes too much on the subject so that I, an unknown struggling Writer/Actor, at least has a chance to share my party-entertaining experiences with the world.

Good luck Peter! If you want some advice look me up on Facebook.

I AM The Hollywood Clown!